Mueller is crooked? It’s true, if you want to believe it

December 18, 2017

By Josh Moon
Alabama Political Reporter

Robert Mueller is corrupt.

That’s right. The war hero/military superstar/Republican appointed FBI director is really a liberal plant working to upend the Trump presidency because … well, there’s not a theory on why just yet, but there’s a reason out there somewhere! A good one, too!

Regardless, though, Mueller is a traitor to this country. And his investigative team … hooooo boy, don’t even get me started on that bunch of Hillary-lovin’, Obama-supportin’ Benedict Arnolds.

They completely tanked that Hillary Clinton investigation — that one about the email server that could have been hacked by Russia maybe (which, given what we know about the Trump administration, seems like a huge improvement).

But those guys were totally in the bag for her, and they were the first ever investigators to have political beliefs. For sure!

Now they won’t even investigate that uranium deal — the one where we legally sold a small amount of America’s uranium to Russia, and Clinton wasn’t really involved and none of the donations to her foundation match up in any way to the people involved in the deal, but it’s still totally true!

And so, Congress should absolutely shut down this Mueller investigation of Trump before it’s finished, because who could trust these guys?

I am sad to report that the above is a mostly accurate representation of the insane nonsense a good portion of the country, and, sadly, a majority of Alabamians, believe to be true.

Seriously. It’s absolutely that stupid.

In America today, a faction of people have simply decided that they will believe whatever in the hell they want to believe.

Absurd conspiracies about a pedophilia pizza place? Yep, totally believing that.

Laughable claims about most welfare recipients eating steak and driving Cadillacs with spinning rims? Oh yes.

Nutty nonsense about the nation’s first black president really being born in Africa and benefitting from a 50-year long-con concocted by George Soros? Yes indeed.

The rightwing in America believes some or all of the above. Because believing those things in some way allows them to hold tightly to the other things they want to believe.

Want to justify voting for a reality TV star who’s admitted on tape to sexually assaulting women and generally being an awful human? Simple solution: Believe his opponent in the race is loosely tied to a fictional pedophilia ring.

Want to justify not paying taxes? Simple solution: Believe your tax dollars aren’t going to pay for cops, courts, roads and schools, but are instead being consumed by criminal thugs (code word for “black”) who refuse to work and simply live off your hard-earned dollars.

Want to justify your irrational hate for a good and decent man who merely has taken a political position to the left of yours, but who still, by all available evidence, loves America and genuinely cares about its people? Simple solution: Believe he’s possibly the antichrist, but definitely a foreign-born Muslim dictator-wannabe who’s coming to take your guns and overthrow America from within.

And these are the over-the-top absurdities believed by the far right. There are a lot of smaller ones in between reality and there.

From believing Robert freakin’ Mueller is an anti-American stooge for the left to believing that thousands of black voters were bused in from surrounding states to vote for Doug Jones last Tuesday, there’s a crazy belief for all levels.

And the number of people who believe these crazy things they “read on Facebook the other day” is growing.

Like a virus. Like a weird, zombie virus, it’s infecting people around us every day. Our co-workers, our friends, our family.

One day, all is fine, you’re talking to your Drunk Uncle about college football and why the kid on “The Voice” won’t ever make it. A few weeks later, he’s been infected, and he shows up to a family gathering wearing a bright red hat and angrily arguing that Obama was wire “taping” Trump Tower.

And just like the zombies on “The Walking Dead,” no matter how many times you hit them with the truth, they just keep pushing forward and multiplying in numbers, never deterred by being completely wrong or looking completely stupid.

Because in the fictional world they’ve created, it’s still true if they believe it.

 

Mueller is crooked? It’s true, if you want to believe it

by Josh Moon Read Time: 4 min
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