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Questions I’d like to ask; answers I’d never receive

By Joey Kennedy
Alabama Political Reporter

So I go away a few days and what happens? A sex scandal involving our Christian Gov. Dr. Robert Bentley and his top aide, the Mrs. Rebekah Caldwell Mason, breaks out. But really, this has been roiling in the background for months. And this kind of stuff happens all the time anyway.

Bentley should be more careful about who he fires, right?

Oh, the questions I’d like to ask Bentley and other Alabama politicians. And the answers I might receive (though I’d never get them). All answers to the questions below are answers out of my mind only. But they’d be fun to get, and knowing how strange our politicians are today, not out of the realm of possibility.

ME: “Gov. Bentley, how can you say you had no physical sexual contact with Mrs. Mason if you walk up and touch her breasts? In my house, that’d be it.”

GOV. BENTLEY: “Well, Joey (Bentley doesn’t really know me, but I’m pretending he’s answering friendly like), I was just trying to keep abreast of what’s happening politically in Alabama.”

OR: “Joey, I’m a dermatologist. I was just trying to make sure Mrs. Mason’s skin was OK. It was OK. Like, really, really OK. And round.”

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OR: “I did not have sex with that woman, Mrs. Mason. It was basically a grab-and-go.”

ME: “Mrs. Mason, how does it feel to be part of breaking up a 50-year marriage?”

MRS. RCM: “There you go, you sexist pig. Talking about me like I was some kind of slut is so typical of men. You sexist pig. You know you’re a sexist pig. Pig! Sexist! You wouldn’t ask a man about that.”

ME: “I just did. See above.”

MRS. RCM: “Sexist pig!”

ME: “But isn’t it pretty sexist for a man (not your husband) to fondle your breasts and cup your butt?”

MRS. RCM: “Sexist pig!”

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ME TO MR. REBEKAH CALDWELL “JON” MASON: “How does it feel to have the governor groping your wife?”

MR. RCJM: “As director of Gov. Bentley’s Office of Faith Based and Community Initiatives, I have complete faith in the governor’s relationship with my wife. After all, she gets a sh-t-load of money for a simple squeeze here and there. I didn’t mean to say sh-t. Sorry. And I’m not doing too poorly, either. I admit, as a former meteorologist, there was cold front after cold front for a time. But it’s all warm fronts now, so I’m not complaining.”

I just couldn’t help asking Sen. Jeff Sessions a few questions, too.

ME: “How can you stand to support Donald Trump? He’s a bigot.”

SEN. SESSIONS: “He is? How can you tell?”

ME: “By the stuff he says. He hates immigrants, women, African-Americans and those in the LGBTQ community.”

SEN. SESSIONS: “And that makes him a bigot? I thought a bigot was somebody who hates Angry White Men.”

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ME: “Sen. Sessions, with your history of bigotry, you’re just showing your true colors.”

SEN. SESSIONS: “What? What did I do?”

And then there is Sen. Richard Shelby.

ME: “Sen. Shelby, what do you do to stand up to President Barack Obama every day?”

SEN. SHELBY: “When he comes into the room, I stand up.”

ME: “But isn’t that a sign of respect?”

SEN. SHELBY: “Some, like you, feather-brain, may see it that way. I see it as standing up TO Barack Obama, not standing up FOR Barack Obama.”

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ME: “But he’s not going to be in office during your next term.”

SEN. SHELBY: “Shhh! Don’t tell Alabama voters that!”

Of course, I just had to ask House Speaker Mike Hubbard a few questions, too.

ME: “Speaker Hubbard, what do you think you’re gaining by continuing to delay your corruption trial?”

SPEAKER HUBBARD: “We live in a great country, Joey. In America, you are innocent until proven guilty. As long as I delay this trial, I’m innocent. God bless, America.”

ME: “But Mr. Speaker, eventually you’re going to have to go on trial.”

SPEAKER HUBBARD: “You think so? You don’t appreciate how wonderful the justice system is in America. You damn commie.”

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Finally, back to Mrs. Rebekah Caldwell Mason.

ME: “Mrs. Mason, don’t you think what you and Gov. Bentley did to his wife, to your husband, to the people of Alabama is a betrayal and is wrong?”

MRS. RCM: “You sexist pig!”

Joey Kennedy, a Pulitzer Prize-winner, writes a column every Wednesday for Alabama Political Reporter. Email: [email protected].

Joey Kennedy, a Pulitzer Prize winner, writes a column each week for the Alabama Political Reporter. You can email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter.

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