By Josh Moon
Alabama Political Reporter
Welcome to your 2016 Josh Moon Voter’s Guide.
Take this handy little guide along with you as head to the polls and I can assure you that you will make both America and Alabama great again on Election Day.
Without further ado, off we go.
- President of the United States: Hillary Clinton
Let’s be honest here, you have no idea what that email scandal is about. And Benghazi is pretty much a blur. There’s also something about Whitewater, but you’re pretty sure that’s a water park in Arkansas. Could be wrong though.
This is Hillary Clinton’s life story: The evil villain, only you need tin-foil hat and a box of wine to convince anyone.
In the meantime, a walking Cheeto is about to bumble his way into the presidency. Not because he’s better. But because he’s different, he’s not politically correct, he’s a huge fan of himself. It’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen, and I watched the first “Sharknado.”
Enough is enough. It’s time for this charade to die. Mainly because if it doesn’t, you know we’ll have one of those “Duck Dynasty” guys nominated next.
- Senate: Ron Crumpton
I’ll be honest, I couldn’t pick Crumpton out of a lineup with The Beatles if you spotted me George, Ringo and Paul. But I do know he’s not Richard Shelby, and that’s plenty.
Honestly, if you’ve ever bemoaned Hillary Clinton’s ties to the banking industry, I better not hear of you casting a vote for the man who has done more to aid corrupt bankers than the Cayman Islands. The men and women responsible for the 2008 market crash have been shielded and protected by Shelby.
But forget all of that and consider this: You live and work in Alabama – what has Richard Shelby ever done for you?
- House District 2: Martha Roby
I’m not huge fan of Roby, but she had the guts to criticize Trump, announce she wasn’t voting for that troll and she has stuck to it. Even when the petty, rich, white people got all indignant and stopped inviting her for supper on the porch, Roby hasn’t budged.
I like that. I don’t agree with 99 percent of the stuff that comes out of her mouth, but I respect that she’s serious enough about what she says that she doesn’t back down.
- House District 3: Jesse Smith
We could probably get this guy elected if we told people in Alabama that Smith is the real-life last name of Uncle Jesse from the “Dukes of Hazard.” Or we could just remind people that Smith wasn’t the one standing with Mike Hubbard at the his post-indictment pep rally, promising that the truth would prevail.
- House District 5: Will Boyd
I don’t know Will Boyd, but I know he’s less racist than Mo Brooks. Of course, that bar is so low it’s laying on the ground. Brooks has been nothing but an embarrassment since he stepped foot in Congress, serving only to further the perception of Alabama as a backwards, ignorant, racist state filled with Neanderthals who long for the days of white dominance.
- House District 6: David Putnam
Incumbent Gary Palmer is an option here, but he’s much too young to hold that office. I know that because Palmer recently said that President Obama and Hillary Clinton are responsible for the turmoil in the Middle East, a statement so dumb that it could only be explained by Palmer being born in 2008.
- Public Service Commission President: Terry Dunn (write-in)
If I have to hear one more time about how Twinkle Cavanaugh “stood up to Obama’s EPA” or that Twinkle means tough, I might start breaking stuff. Alabama’s rates for the services monitored by the PSC are all too high, and “fighting Obama’s EPA” has accomplished nothing other than leaving the state decades behind in important environmental changes.
But this is who we vote for, and those results are what we deserve.
- Amendment 2 (State Park funding): Vote No
It seems like a trick – trading off something we want (guaranteed money for state parks) for something we don’t (allowing private companies to manage some aspects). And you just know someone’s brother-in-law is about to get a gig as a State Park manager.
- Amendments 3 and 4 (home rule): Yes
I’m all for anything that removes power from Montgomery and places it in the hands of the individual counties. These aren’t huge changes, but they’re moves in that direction.
- Amendment 6 (impeachments require three-fifths vote): No
I’m not necessarily opposed to changing the way we go about impeaching an elected official. I am opposed to doing it at a time when we’re considering impeaching the Governor.
- Amendment 8 (right to work): No
You already have the right to work in this State. If you vote yes on this, you should be hit in the head immediately with a snow shovel.
- Amendment 11 (rezoning economic development): No
Another corporate welfare giveaway. I’m sick of seeing Alabama politicians attempt to sell us on the value of forking over millions of dollars to multi-million dollar companies. You want to attract business to this state? Fix the education system, the infrastructure and the health care.
- Amendment 13 (remove age limits): Yes
This one would remove age limits on political appointments and elected officials, except judges. I’ve seen one too many arbitrary age limits put in place with the sole intention of removing a particular person. Age limits for service should be illegal.
- Amendment 14 (fix our mess): No
It can’t be a surprise that the Legislature has been failing to follow its own rules for 32 years, or that this oversight was discovered when the Legislature attempted to exert its authority over one county that wanted to raise the minimum wage. And now, because of that awesome pettiness, the State is in danger of 458 laws being invalidated.
That’s a whole other level of incompetence. And Karma.
So, there you go. Vote wisely, my friends.