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Josh Moon

Opinion | Your 2018 quick voter’s guide

Josh Moon

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Newspapers across the state are producing lengthy pieces providing voters with in-depth explanations of candidates and amendments.

That’s nice. But who has time for that?

Here is your quick and easy voting guide, filled with the only info you really need to make a wise decision at the polls on Tuesday.

Go vote!

Governor: Walt Maddox worked more hours on Monday than Kay Ivey did this entire month. Plus, he has a plan for doing stuff, unlike Ivey, who has a plan for doing nothing. Ever.

Vote for Maddox.

 

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Attorney General: There’s a decent chance that Steve Marshall will be in prison soon.

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Vote for Joe Siegelman.

 

Secretary of State: Unlike most progressives, I actually like John Merrill, but that doesn’t change the fact that he thinks absentee voting and early voting are the same thing. Heather Milam knows the difference and would like to implement same-day registration and other initiatives to make it easier to vote in this state.

Vote for Milam.

 

Lt Governor: Out of all the Republican candidates running for office, I probably like Will Ainsworth the best. Because he’s the good kind of crazy. But he’s also the Republican kind of crazy. And I’d honestly love to see a black pastor be a heartbeat away from the governor’s mansion.

Vote for Will Boyd.

 

Chief Justice: I can show you pics of Tom Parker — who is basically Roy Moore without the charisma — standing with racists in front of a Confederate flag. Our Supreme Court is a mess as it is. It doesn’t need more crazy. Vote for sanity.

Vote for Bob Vance.

 

Amendment 1: It literally does nothing. You can already display the Ten Commandments in every spot this claims to legalize.

Vote NO.

 

Amendment 2: This should be labeled the Make It Legal To Kill Women bill. Because that’s what it does. By banning abortion in the state constitution, should the abortion question ever fall to the states, this amendment will make it illegal to save the life of a dying mother. That is Handmaid’s Tale-level insanity.

Vote NO.

 

Amendment 3: I would generally oppose anything that aided the trustee board at the University of Alabama, but this amendment isn’t terrible. Passing one that required that board to follow laws would be better, though.

Vote Yes.

 

Amendment 4: I don’t trust any single politician to appoint anyone. Ever. We pay for a lot of dumb things. Way down that list is the cost of a special election to fill a vacated seat. Let the people decide. They usually screw it up too, but they’re harder to bribe.

Vote NO.

 

Also: For the love of all that is holy and decent, vote for Tabitha Isner, Mallory Hagan, Peter Joffrion, Lee Auman, Danner Kline and Robert Kennedy Jr. These are good and decent people who want to expand Medicaid, secure funding for our state and stop the embarrassing nonsense that plagues our state and much of the country.

Not to mention, Martha Roby, Mo Brooks and Mike Rogers are literally scared to speak to their constituents. Bradley Byrne lives in his own alternate reality where whatever gets him votes is true this week. Gary Palmer is ineffective. And Robert Aderholt is claiming he saved a local hospital after his votes helped kill the other eight.

 

APR does not endorse political candidates the opinions of its writers are their’s alone.

 

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