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Is Alabama ready to ease COVID-19 restrictions? A look at the data

Chip Brownlee | The Trace



It’s been 39 days since Alabama confirmed its first cases of COVID-19 on March 13. Now, more than a month later, the number of people who have tested positive for the coronavirus is nearing 5,000.

Tracking the coronavirus as it has spread in Alabama has been difficult. Testing has been limited. Data, at times, has been unreliable. Yet, officials appear to be paving the path toward reopening the state’s economy as some models suggest the state is at or past the peak of the outbreak.

But are we ready to safely reopen — and to stay open?

This is a virus that is evasive, with a sizeable percentage of people who contract it going without any symptoms at all or symptoms so mild they don’t seek or can’t get a test.

When Boston tested a sample of its homeless population, it found a “stunning” number of asymptomatic cases. The same happened in New York when hospitals tested a sample of pregnant women. Eighty-seven percent of the women who tested positive for COVID-19 had no symptoms when they were tested.

Nearly 60 percent of the sailors who tested positive for COVID-19 aboard the U.S. Navy aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt had no symptoms at the time they tested positive.


The high number of asymptomatic or pre-symptomatic cases found in these few isolated situations, while not conclusive, raises numerous questions about the extent to which our testing — mainly of just those people who are suspected of having the virus, those people who are symptomatic or those who are health care workers most at risk of contracting COVID-19 — is reliably capturing the extent to which the virus has spread among the public.

For so many people, COVID-19 is mild, even negligible, but for others, it is deadly. At least 165 Alabamians have died after testing positive. Of those, 113 have been investigated by epidemiologists and confirmed as deaths caused primarily by COVID-19. Across the United States, the number has surpassed 35,000, according to the COVID Tracking Project.

More than 640 people have been hospitalized with positive cases of the virus since March 13, according to the Alabama Department of Public Health’s data. But the number is surely higher. And many more are hospitalized with suspected cases of the virus, awaiting test results.

COVID-19, according to public health officials like Dr. Anthony Fauci and experts in Alabama at UAB, is the rare kind of virus with a mortality rate and transmissibility in the sweet spot that makes it fast-spreading, deadly and hard to contain. It’s deadly enough to kill a lot of people, but not too deadly that it kills its hosts before they spread it to more people.

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This perfect combination of being highly contagious and deadly enough but not too deadly is what has forced public health officials, mayors and governors to implement stay-at-home orders to slow the spread and “flatten the curve.”

The stay-at-home orders appear to be working. The growth in the number of new infections appears to be slowing, even as the absolute number of new lab-confirmed cases gets higher. But the reality is that easing stay-at-home orders will mean a resurgence of the virus. Whether the state is capable of tracking, handling and containing the new cases without closing the state down again is a different question.

It’s been two weeks and a few days since Gov. Kay Ivey issued her stay-at-home order. But public health officials have cautioned that it is too early to tell if the virus is really under control. Ivey and State Health Officer Scott Harris have said they hope to know, beginning this week, the order’s full effect.

It can sometimes take up to two weeks for someone to present symptoms after being exposed to the virus. The lag time between when a person’s symptoms present and when they can get a test can add days. The turnaround time on test results adds even more time, sometimes up to a week, though the average is 72 hours, according to the Department of Public Health.

But the numbers appearing to improve has prompted state leaders — including Ivey and Lt. Gov. Will Ainsworth — to pivot toward efforts to re-open the economy as the number of people out of work because of the shutdown has skyrocketed. The total number of people who have filed unemployment claims since the week ending March 14 is up to 279,431, or about 12.5 percent of the state’s total labor force in February 2020.

Ivey said last week she is establishing a group to tackle the topic of safely reopening the economy, and Ainsworth — who has been a prominent advocate of strict public health measures to curb the virus’s spread — has been leading a committee that Friday recommended immediately reopening some businesses like retail and restaurants. Others could begin reopening on May 1 after Ivey’s stay-at-home order expires.

The governor hasn’t said yet what she plans to do, and that public health experts will guide her decision, but she has said that whenever the state does begin reopening the economy, it will have to be “reasoned” and “targeted.”

The numbers do appear to be hopeful. Looking at a moving average of new lab-confirmed cases, the curve looks like it may be flattening. Since April 12, the five-day average of new confirmed cases has been flat — if not slowly and intermittently declining — meaning that there are fewer new cases being confirmed.

The growth rate also appears to have slowed. On Thursday, the number of new confirmed cases grew by only 4 percent over the day before, down from 14 percent on April 9 and 15 percent on April 2. As Ainsworth said Friday, “That’s linear growth. That’s not exponential.”

While this data is hopeful — and Alabama does not appear to be on track for an outbreak as severe as Louisiana or New York — there are a number of ways to interpret the slowing numbers.

Knowing the true extent of the virus’s spread, at this time, is an unanswerable question. The evidence is clear that far more than 4,900 Alabamians have the virus. A combination of limited testing and asymptomatic patients means that is surely the case.

If you aren’t a health care worker, a resident of a long-term care facility or very symptomatic, it’s still hard to get a test in Alabama. That’s not just true here but across the country. In Alabama, the rollout of testing was slowed as some supplies were seized by FEMA and the federal Department of Health and Human Services.

But among the three groups that have had more expanded access to testing — health care workers, long-term care residents and long-term care employees — the confirmed cases have been steadily rising.

People in those three groups now make up 28 percent of the state’s total cases. Though those groups tend to be more at risk of exposure, better access to testing for those among these groups could also explain the high number of infections. And it could be a signal that limited testing for the general population is resulting in an undercount of the total number of cases.

Alabama has not yet reached the level of “mass testing” recommended by public health experts, including those at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, before stay-at-home orders are lifted. So knowing exactly how many people have the virus and how fast or slow it is spreading is difficult if not impossible.

On top of limited testing, which is the state’s clearest challenge at this point, data in our state has reliably been incomplete, thus unreliable. State law requires commercial labs to report their positive results within a set time frame but rules on reporting negative results are less strict. Some commercial labs are reporting their negatives but not all of them. It is not clear and the state has not said how many tests could be missing from the state’s “total tested” count.

The last two weeks have also shown that data, at this point, is still relatively unreliable. The state went nearly four days without reporting any new tests before dropping 8,000 new ones into the total on April 13. Since then, the number of new reported tests per day has been anything but stable, ranging from 1,400 to 4,700 per day. (That’s why we are using a five-day rolling average in the charts below to level out the inconsistencies.)

On top of that, a reporting error from a commercial lab caused a number of negative tests to be list as positives Friday and Saturday morning. When the error was discovered, it was quickly corrected, but the data problem caused the number of confirmed cases and reported deaths to decline Saturday, causing confusion.

Data like this, while it may seem unimportant, is imperative for gauging how prepared we are for reopening the state, public health experts say. Experts at Harvard’s School of Public Health say each state should be performing, at a minimum, 152 tests per 100,000 people each day.

That’s the level, Harvard’s researchers say, that would be needed to catch a majority of cases and perform contract tracing for at least 10 of each positive case’s contacts. If we can’t catch the positive cases and isolate them, the outbreak could spiral out of control again, leading to rolling shutdowns and more casualties.

The average for the last five days in Alabama is 47 tests per day per 100,000. The number of tests per day would need to more than triple by May 1 for Alabama to reopen safely, Harvard’s researchers say.

For Alabama to reach the level of testing needed to reopen safely, that would mean 7,448 tests per day. For the last week, Alabama has been in the range of 2,500 to 3,500 new tests reported per day, based on our rolling average. For the United States as a whole, the researchers say between 500,000 and 600,000 tests per day need to be performed to open up and stay open.

“All the evidence suggests that the number of cases will rise as social distancing is relaxed, even with rigorous testing and tracing,” the researchers wrote in their analysis. “And so, we will likely need many more tests. But, if we can’t be doing at least 500,000 tests a day [nationwide] by May 1, it is hard to see any way we can remain open.”

There are other statistics that can give us an idea of where we are and other reasons why the growth of lab-confirmed cases may be slowing. Testing, again, can give us an idea. The rate of growth in new confirmed cases is slowing in part because the growth rate in the number of tests being performed is slowing, too.

It is absolutely the case that we are testing more in Alabama as of late. The number of total tests performed jumped from 20,000 on April 9 to more than 45,712 by Monday. The number of new tests reported per day is also rising.

Beginning a couple of weeks ago, the Department of Public Health began asking commercial labs to report their negatives voluntarily, but not all have complied. It’s possible that some of the tests reported in the last two weeks are from commercial labs that previously had not been reporting their negatives.

Even with the jump in numbers — and assuming that all of those tests truly are new tests, not backlogged negatives from commercial labs — the growth rate of new tests being performed has essentially plateaued, too, just like the number of new cases. And the rates of growth are pretty tightly correlated.

The gist of this is that Alabama, yes, has expanded testing since the outbreak began. But it has not dramatically expanded testing. Less than 1 percent of the state has been tested.

Re-opening the economy means that the risk of the virus resurging will be real. There are still people in Alabama who have been infected with the virus but aren’t yet sick or won’t show any symptoms at all. So when the state does reopen, those people will go out into the world, not knowing they have the virus, and spread could begin again.

We have not defeated this virus, yet. Until a vaccine is developed, the risk of a resurgence will be there. And we still don’t have the testing capacity sufficient enough to find all the positive cases and isolate them.


Chip Brownlee is a former political reporter, online content manager and webmaster at the Alabama Political Reporter. He is now a reporter at The Trace, a non-profit newsroom covering guns in America.



Vaccines should protect against mutated strains of coronavirus

Public health experts say it will be some time before vaccines are available to the wider public.

Eddie Burkhalter




Multiple vaccines for COVID-19 are in clinical trials, and one has already applied for emergency use authorization, but how good will those vaccines be against a mutating coronavirus? A UAB doctor says they’ll do just fine. 

Dr. Rachael Lee, UAB’s hospital epidemiologist, told reporters earlier this week that there have been small genetic mutations in COVID-19. What researchers are seeing in the virus here is slightly different than what’s seen in the virus in China, she said. 

“But luckily the way that these vaccines have been created, specifically the mRNA vaccines, is an area that is the same for all of these viruses,” Lee said, referring to the new type of vaccine known as mRNA, which uses genetic material, rather than a weakened or inactive germ, to trigger an immune response. 

The U.S. Food And Drug Administration is to review the drug company Pfizer’s vaccine on Dec. 10. Pfizer’s vaccine is an mRNA vaccine, as is a vaccine produced by the drug maker Moderna, which is expected to also soon apply for emergency use approval. 

“I think that is incredibly good news, that even though we may see some slight mutations,  we should have a vaccine that should cover all of those different mutations,” Lee said. 

Researchers at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the University of Wisconsin-Madison found in a recent study, published in the journal Science, that COVID-19 has mutated in ways that make it spread much more easily, but the mutation may also make it more susceptible to vaccines. 


In a separate study, researchers with the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation found that while most vaccines were modeled after an earlier strain of COVID-19, they found no evidence that the vaccines wouldn’t provide the same immunity response for the new, more dominant strain. 

“This brings the world one step closer to a safe and effective vaccine to protect people and save lives,” said CSIRO chief executive Dr. Larry Marshall, according to Science Daily

While it may not be long before vaccines begin to be shipped to states, public health experts warn it will be some time before vaccines are available to the wider public. Scarce supplies at first will be allocated for those at greatest risk, including health care workers who are regularly exposed to coronavirus patients, and the elderly and ill. 

Alabama State Health Officer Dr. Scott Harris, speaking to APR last week, urged the public to continue wearing masks and practicing social distancing for many more months, as the department works to make the vaccines more widely available.

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“Just because the first shots are rolling out doesn’t mean it’s time to stop doing everything we’ve been trying to get people to do for months. It’s not going to be widely available for a little while,” Harris said.

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Alabama hospitals nearing COVID-19 summer surge levels

Wednesday was the 18th straight day with more than 1,000 people in hospitals in Alabama with COVID-19. 

Eddie Burkhalter



UAB Chief of Hospital Medicine Dr. Kierstin Kennedy.

Alabama hospitals reported caring for 1,483 people infected with COVID-19 on Wednesday, the highest number of patients since Aug. 11, when the state was enduring its summer surge. Wednesday was also the 18th straight day with more than 1,000 people in hospitals in Alabama with COVID-19. 

The seven-day average of hospitalizations was 1,370 on Wednesday, the 36th straight day of that average rising. The Alabama Department of Public Health reported 2,453 new cases Wednesday. The 14-day average of new cases was — for the eighth day in a row — at a record high of 2,192. 

Across the country, more than 80,000 people were hospitalized for COVID-19 on Tuesday, a record high and the 15th straight day of record hospitalizations nationwide, according to the COVID Tracking Project, a coronavirus tracking website.

The CDC this week recommended people not travel for Thanksgiving to help prevent the spread of coronavirus. 

“The only way for us to successfully get through this pandemic is if we work together,” said Dr. Kierstin Kennedy, UAB’s chief of hospital medicine, in a message Tuesday. “There’s no one subset of the community that’s going to be able to carry the weight of this pandemic and so we all have to take part in wearing our masks, keeping our distance, making sure that we’re washing our hands.” 


Kennedy said the best way she can describe the current situation is “Russian Roulette.” 

“Not only in the form of, maybe you get it and you don’t get sick or maybe you get it and you end up in the ICU,” Kennedy said, “but if you do end up sick, are you going to get to the hospital at a time when we’ve got capacity, and we’ve got enough people to take care of you? And that is a scary thought.” 

The Alabama Department of Public Health on Wednesday reported an increase of 60 confirmed and probable COVID-19 deaths. Deaths take time to confirm and the date a death is reported does not necessarily reflect the date on which the individual died. At least 23 of those deaths occurred in November, and 30 occurred in other months. Seven were undated. Data for the last two to three weeks are incomplete.

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As of Wednesday, at least 3,532 Alabamians have died of COVID-19, according to the Department of Public Health. During November, at least 195 people have died in Alabama from COVID-19. But ADPH is sure to add more to the month’s tally in the weeks to come as data becomes more complete.

ADPH on Wednesday announced a change that nearly doubled the department’s estimate of people who have recovered from COVID-19, bringing that figure up to 161,946. That change also alters APR’s estimates of how many cases are considered active.

ADPH’s Infectious Disease and Outbreak team “updated some parameters” in the department’s Alabama NEDSS Base Surveillance System, which resulted in the increase, the department said.

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Average daily coronavirus cases in Alabama reach new highs as hospitalizations surge

“It’s incredibly important right now to maintain your bubble, to wear your mask, maintain distancing and wash your hands,” UAB’s Dr. Kierstin Kennedy said.

Eddie Burkhalter




Alabama on Tuesday saw record-high seven and 14-day averages for new daily COVID-19 cases, and the second-highest number of new daily reported cases, following the record high set less than two weeks ago. 

The state added 2,785 cases Tuesday, less than 200 under the Nov. 13 record of 2,980. While the Alabama Department of Public Health on Oct. 23 reported 3,852 cases, 1,287 of those were older positive antigen tests conducted in June through October and submitted by a facility in Mobile, which skewed that day’s count higher. 

The state’s seven and 14-day averages for new daily cases were 2,288 and 2,164 respectively on Tuesday, and the average percentage of tests positive over the last two weeks was 22 percent — more than four times as high as public health experts say it needs to be to guarantee cases aren’t going undetected. 

Coronavirus hospitalizations in Alabama on Tuesday reached 1,428. That’s as high as they’ve been since Aug. 11. Huntsville Hospital was treating a record 270 coronavirus patients on Tuesday. 


Dr. Kierstin Kennedy, UAB’s chief of hospital medicine, told reporters Monday that hospitals are seeing much higher numbers both because of the influx of COVID-19 patients and non-coronavirus patients. 

“We are definitely seeing the highest numbers that I’ve taken care of in my almost 10 years of being a hospitalist here,” Kennedy said. 

Kennedy and other medical professionals in recent days have urged the public to take precautions during Thanksgiving and other upcoming holidays or risk spreading the disease further by infecting themselves or loved ones. 

Dr. Racheal Lee, UAB’s hospital epidemiologist, said Monday that Alabama’s positivity rate is so high that if 15 people gather there is between a 30 and 50 percent chance that one in the group has COVID-19 and could be without symptoms. 

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“If we think about that, 15 doesn’t sound like a lot of people, and that may be a small gathering for some, but we really need to remind ourselves that a lot of people are asymptomatic before they’re symptomatic,” Lee said. 

The Alabama Department of Public Health suggests that to cut disease transmission over Thanksgiving hold small dinners with only those living in your own household, have virtual dinners with those outside of your household and shop online rather than in person for Black Friday deals. 

“What I have heard is that we should expect some of the highest numbers actually in the third week of January, because of all of this commingling and intermingling of families,” Kennedy said.  “It’s incredibly important right now to maintain your bubble, to wear your mask, maintain distancing and wash your hands.”

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Last Conversations: Aunt Cheryl

“If there’s anything I’ve learned from her loss, it’s that she is right. Everyone does need help from time to time.”

Kristen Bolden



Photos of Kristen Bolden and her Aunt Cheryl. (CONTRIBUTED)

“Everyone needs help from time to time.” That was the last text my Aunt Cheryl sent to me on Saturday, May 16, 2020, at 9:36 a.m. She sent a few others over the next week or so to our various group texts, but that was her last message to me personally. It was in reference to me arguing over my grandparents insisting on helping me pay for a new car after my old one had been totaled the week before. I couldn’t let them do that, but as she was told, I helped my grandparents out a lot, and they wanted to help me too. 

She didn’t know then — just like I didn’t know then — that a little over a month later, she would die in a hospital in Shelby County after contracting COVID-19. She didn’t know that her simple message to just accept help from my family would push me to actually seek professional help a few months later and sign up for therapy again.

My aunt was a bright and funny person. The joke was that my mom had her sister’s kids on accident. My aunt and I were a lot alike. She called me her travel buddy and would take me to New York with her. Once we were lucky enough to stand next to a group of German firefighters while watching the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Our group pictures are some of my favorites, and the moment became one of her favorites to share. She sent me and a friend to New Zealand one year. For our last big trip, she took me to Gatlinburg for the first time and stood by ready to drive our group back to the cabin after an impromptu moonshine tasting. While she didn’t like her moonshine, she loved her Talladega County muscadine wine.

My aunt taught me the finer points of traveling and, honestly, about a lot of life things. Things my mom was probably ok with her teaching me — like how to use humor to be charming or having another good model for being a hard worker. There were also things my mom was probably not ok with her teaching me — like driving fast down a winding Highway 78 from Leeds to Prescott or how to say “I know” every time someone would tell me how cute I was as a kid. (It’s a thing I still accidentally do at nearly 31. Thanks, Aunt C.)

Ever the dog lover, there were five running around her house at one point. “That’s what I want,” I would think to myself. “Dogs everywhere. Some land. And next to my grandparents.”

The house with all the dogs is where she lived with her then-husband after she returned to Alabama. They moved there just as I was about to graduate high school in 2008. At that point, I knew we had a relationship when I was very young, then she moved around the States a lot, and we didn’t see much of her. The places I can most remember her are in Arizona (we visited her in Tucson and fed a squirrel at the Grand Canyon), Seattle (where she met Harrison Ford), Alaska (where she lived near a glacier) and Minneapolis (where it’s just real dang cold). When she moved back, that’s when our relationship really took off. 


I went to the University of Alabama, her favorite and my rival. Luckily, it didn’t cause too many issues as Alabama has a very good football team and Auburn has a pretty good football team. One time my car broke down, so she and my mom drove down to Tuscaloosa from Pell City so I could use her car for a few days. I’d end up driving her old green Suzuki a lot over the next few years. 

When I moved for my first job in the summer of 2014, she and my grandmother helped me pack the Penske and drive north to Peoria, Illinois. I wasn’t prepared in any way, shape or form for said move, but she got me there regardless. When I moved back to Alabama eight months later for my second job, yep, you guessed it: She rolled up in the Jeep with my grandparents in tow, ready to move me back.

Over the next four years, we saw each other regularly. She got me in touch with a family friend whose house I was able to rent, just two or three minutes from my grandparents. My Aunt Cheryl helped me set up the place where I’d live, sleep, eat, cry, binge watch TV, play with my dog and jokingly make cereal as my potluck dish for any get-togethers we’d have. I was pretty hopeless in the kitchen at the time.

Holidays felt like my childhood days again, with everyone at my grandparents’ house, laughing, eating and opening presents, being generally loud and joyful. I worry about the holidays feeling empty this year and perhaps every year from now on.

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In December 2017, I was able to travel to New York City with her again. This time, I’d be a witness to her wedding in Central Park. She married her last (and best) husband John just outside of the Bethesda Fountain. It snowed the day before (also my 28th birthday) and was perfect for pictures. John’s younger daughter Tiffany was also a witness. I imagine we both cherish the photos from that day differently now. 

John and my aunt were fun to watch together. They laughed a lot, smiled all the time, in turn making everyone else happy. I think that was her goal in life. They had a lovely little place on Logan Martin we’d go visit every now and then. They’d take my grandparents fishing on the boat while I tanned and read books on the dock. I know being there full-time was actually her goal in life.

I moved to Boise, Idaho, for a new job in March 2019. It was pouring rain, but she and John and our friend were there to help me pack up, clean up and get on the road. By this point, she told me she was too old to move me again and drag all my stuff around the country, but she’d help me get started. Driving away to a new place without her or anyone of my family members in sight was the strangest feeling. 

She was an avid NASCAR fan, but one of her favorite stories to tell didn’t even involve the racetrack. For a time, she worked at Bass Pro Shops in Leeds where they often had drivers come in on Talladega race weekends and do autograph signings. One year, Tony Stewart — her absolute favorite — came in for a signing. I went with her, and as she liked to put it, he made small talk with me while haphazardly signing the picture for her without even looking up. She then further backed up this claim by sharing that on our dinner date at Guadalajara post-signing fiasco, our server handed her the receipt without even asking who was paying — another sign of me being a regular charmer.

I was happy to have her on my hype team, even if it wasn’t totally accurate. 

I scored four Talladega tickets and pit passes for the October 2017 race — mine and my mom’s driver’s last one. We said goodbye to Dale Jr. as my aunt and John walked around enjoying the sights and sounds. By this point, my aunt had moved on to Kyle Larson. I don’t remember where Junior or Kyle finished that race, but I remember having a good time seeing my loved ones enjoy the day.

When she passed, that’s the picture I changed my Facebook icon to in memory of that moment. 

My family members gathered together near the end of May to work on my grandparents’ floors. I Skyped in with them that day because they were all together, and I had nothing to do as my car had just been totaled a few days before. We laughed. We caught up. We cut up. It was the last time we were all “together.” Everyone had been taking precautions because of my grandparents’ ages and my aunt’s cancer.

Four days later, I pulled into my parking spot outside my duplex in my new car and got a text from my aunt. John had tested positive for COVID. She was supposed to quarantine away from him, but I feel like it was too late at that point. She was waiting to start treatment after being diagnosed with breast cancer in early March, followed by surgery a few weeks later. She told my mom and me she was going to be furious if she had to put it off because of COVID. 

My grandmother would also test positive. After a few weeks, she and John both recovered. Only a couple of days after my aunt texted us, she was running a fever and had body aches. She was on a BiPAP machine at Shelby Baptist in Alabaster. A day later, she was intubated. She’d spend three weeks on a ventilator, her condition going up and down every few days, with doctors and nurses and pulmonologists doing everything they could think of to save her.

My mom said she didn’t even look like herself because of all the IV fluid and illness, and we shouldn’t have to see it. I sometimes try to imagine it, but I can’t and don’t want to. 

The last time I saw her was December 2019 when I visited home for my birthday and Christmas. That’s how I want to remember her. With all of us and my grandmother’s giant Christmas tree. Laughing and catching up. Joking about how I probably have a line of people at my door, waiting to take me out on a date. 

She was taken off support and died at some point during the rain-delayed Talladega race on Monday, June 22. It’s so weird that the biggest personality in our family died during her favorite race at the biggest track in the NASCAR family. That’s a terrible analogy, but I think it would make her laugh.

When I posted my tribute on social media, the comments poured in from people she worked with all around the country, people she went to school with, people who knew her through others, dozens of comments talking about how shocking her death is. How funny she is. Her sweetness. Her sometimes brutal honesty. How they never expected this to happen to Cheryl. I would say “join the club,” but I don’t want them to go through this. Instead, I find comfort in their comments and that she was exactly who I thought she was — for better or for worse. I try to remember she was a tough lady who at one point drove an 18-wheeler. She could push through this, and so could I. 

After my mom first told our group chat how quickly my aunt’s condition was deteriorating, I asked if I should come home. Not a single person in our family would let it happen because it wasn’t safe to do so then, and five months later, it still isn’t safe. Instead, I would wait for daily updates around 9:30 a.m. while I was sitting at work. I’d get sick to my stomach after looking up at the clock to see it was nearly that time. I was 2,000 miles from home, unable to help, unable to do anything but sit at my desk before going home and lying in bed, hoping I would just go to sleep instead of staying awake and crying. I would “tweet thru the pain” as the kids say some nights, hoping someone would see it and know I was hurting. I was mostly doing fine living alone at that point, but from my aunt’s hospital admission to August, I’d never felt more alone in my entire life. 

I work in local television news so I’m used to working weird hours, spending holidays either alone or with fellow news orphans, and knowing I’m probably going to move at some point in the next few years. I’d already been terrified to move to Boise because I’m so used to worrying about my grandparents, but this was completely rattling. The stories I’d run in my newscasts about people being separated from family members or loved ones suffering from COVID, the stories I’d read online about people saying goodbye from miles and miles, even countries away from each other, were now about my life. 

Her service was held on Sunday, July 5, at Kilgroe Funeral Home in Leeds, the place next to the ever-changing restaurant on top of the hill I’d gone to to say goodbye to friends, family members and others I knew my entire life. Except this time, I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t give her a proper goodbye as she actually passed, and I couldn’t in the wake of her death. Instead, I walked my dog around the Boise State campus, stopping to cry on a bench or a set of stairs a couple of times when it all became too much. I didn’t care that I was in public. If someone had seen me and asked, I would’ve let them know what happened and told them to wear a mask. 

My aunt was cremated, another thing I still cannot wrap my head around. She and John’s dog Layla had to be put down earlier this year. Their ashes are now in his possession, something I’m grateful for as I know they’ll both be taken care of with love. 

I was able to go home the first week of October. I drove to Alabama from Idaho and back. I took every precaution. Nobody got sick. I was terrified for a month anyway.

It hurt so much to know I was there and I would see John, but I would not see her. The pain is apparent on everyone’s faces still, but there’s nothing to be done at this point. I spend time angry at people not taking measures to keep themselves or others safe, but I can’t stay angry forever and I’m mad about that too. 

I hate I can’t text her about a funny thing my dog did or that when I send a Christmas card, she won’t see it. If I do end up settling down, she won’t be there. Sometimes I think whoever I end up with might be lucky because they’ll skip her hazing, but I also know they would have loved her sense of humor. I hate that it’ll be the same way for my younger sister. I hate that my grandfather gets misty-eyed when he remembers her. I hate that my grandmother has to be so matter-of-fact about the loss of one of her children to accept it. I hate that my mother had to be the one to carry us all through it while losing her sister. 

In the end, I just miss my Aunt Cheryl. If there’s anything I’ve learned from her loss, it’s that she is right. Everyone does need help from time to time.

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