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Not the Rumble in the Jungle but the Massacre in Montgomery

By Bill Britt
Alabama Political Reporter

So, here we are, politico fans, it is the last round of the 2012 Legislative Session.

There have been some knockdowns, some below the belt hit and lots of blood and gore but this is it, the big one.

In one corner is the Governor “Dr. Daddy” Bentley. The good Doctor has seemed fighting mad all session but some analysts have wondered if he has really committed to this fight. Everyone admits they seen some fancy footwork that leaves the competition baffled and confused. But no one thinks he is winning on points. His opponents’ managers keep complaining that he is throwing low blows. One thing for sure, no one knows when and where he will hit them next.

It the next corner is Mike “The Sledge Hammer” Hubbard, this pro really knows how to pack a punch. His trainers say the force of the wind from his punch can make a grown man crumble. No doubt this scrappy vet from Auburn is a tiger with teeth. But his critics complain that he is just sucker punching. Hey, I don’t know, but in my neighborhood, a hit’s a hit. If you can’t take the hit don’t get in the ring.

In the next corner is Del “The Ten Inch Nail,” Marsh, what can we say, he is the thinking man’s fighter. He plans, he works, he always in the mix. But this seasoned boxer has faced a formable challenge. The cards seem to be stacked against him as his whole organization seems to want to control the fight.

In the last corner is everyone else. This mix of old-school veterans and feisty newcomers have shown grit and the ability to bob and weave on any given issue.

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The folks back home have no idea what kind of fight they have put up. While most of the time they have led with their chins it seems there is still some fight left in them.

Hey, hey let’s not forget Henry “The Big Kahuna” Mabry. I’m telling you this Mixed Marshall Arts master has pulled no punches in this fight. He has dazzled the crowd with his comeback. Just a few rounds ago many, including yours truly, thought this kid was on the ropes, but I think everyone knows now that “The Big” is in this to win.

So, ladies and gentleman let’s get ready to rumble.

The fighter take to the ring!

Looks like “Dr. Daddy” Bentley is going for a KO but wait “The Hammer” looks like he is taking it to “Dr. Daddy.” Is Bentley fighting above his weight?

Bam! Now that’s going to hurt. The Hammer has laid another body blow on “Dr. Daddy.” I bet they could feel that all the way back in Tuscaloosa.

Here comes Gerald “The Real Deal” Dial. He and The Hammer have been in more than one fight. The gloves have come off between these two.

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Uh-oh, looks like Dr. Daddy hit Dial below the belt. Dial is down but not out.

Jumping off the ropes to come to his partner’s defense, is none other than Jim “Mad Man” McClendon. This scrappy fighter out of Springville may be mad but you would never know it. He just keeps a steady jab going and then pow! You’re down!

Mad Man circles the rink keeping The Real Deal’s back.

Hey what going on over there?

Old school slugger Linda “Queen Mother” Coleman has moved into the middle of the ring. Coleman warned these guys at the start of the match, “My name is Linda, don’t mess with the ladies of my gender, or I’ll get ya.” She is moving like a cat on the prowl. I see her prey. It is the fresh newcomer “Kid” Clay Scofield. This wirey young stud from the county has really shown some grit. He’s 6’3” but when sporting an Afro he is 6’9” but lately he has taken on a more conservative look. But he’ll still spit Beachnut in anyone’s eye.

I think the Kid is in trouble, not only is Coleman closing in but Vivian “The Lady” Davis-Figures is going after him. Wait looks like Coleman’s holding The Kid and Figures has something in her hand. The crowd gasps. Now, that was not nice ladies.

Into the chaos steps Roger “The Artful Dodger” Bedford. This master pugilist has more tricks up his sleeve than Houdini. He traps the Republicans in the corner, they vote yes, they vote no, what is happening to the GOP are they going down for the count?

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No, The Hammer and The Nail prop them back up. Oh no, ladies and gentlemen, The Big Kahuna Mabry has just somersaulted into the ring. No one believed the big man could move like this but look at him go. Everyone says he has been working with “The Trainer” or as most call him, “He Who Must Not Be Named.” Whatever the case, Mabry has just unleashed an whole can of Alabama whoop[BEEP] on the GOP.

The Dems have been taking their lead from Craig “The Gentleman” Ford. Don’t be fooled by the name he will hit you in the back of the head with a chair in a shinny minute.

I’m telling you this fight is so dirty AG Luther Strange is going to need a “real” budget to litigate this mess.

But wait! Bobby “The Locomotive” Singleton is in the ring. Whatley and Keahey look confused. Trip “The Pitbull” Pitman seems to be covering “The Locomotive’s” flank.

Bam! Singleton and Pitman hit The Hammer and Nail with a SB160. Hey, that hit was so strong Bentley is crying foul all over the state.

Ring Judges Arthur “Fair and Square” Orr and “Diamond” Jim Barton just shake their heads. I think this is going to cost Bentley some points.

Scott “Up Against the Wall” Beason is into it with “Mighty” Micky Hammon and Alvin “The Professor” Holmes.  The two republicans are usually on the same side but this has turned into a [Beep, Beep, Beep]… stand off. Holmes is wearing the two fighters down, he is beating the pair into submission. “Take that you two [beep, beep]… yesterday, today and forever!” Holmes is shouting,  “96 percent of 50 percent of the great prizefighters in the world are…BLACK!” No one can argue that point with The Professor, he has a strong head for math.

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Referee Jabo, “The Rule” Waggoner is trying to restore order but pandemonium has broken out.

Boxing Commissioner Cam “The Man” Ward is about to disqualify to whole match.

Wait, there is a terrible noise coming toward the ring what can it be. Oh, no! Someone has let into the Statehouse a stampeding hoard of pigs. Pigs are everywhere. Ladies and Gentleman in all my career as a commentator, I have never seen such a spectacle. This is embarrassing. Everyone is driving to catch a little porker.

Lt. Governor Kay “There Must Be Order” Ivey takes her gavel to the bell she hits it once, she hits it twice , she hits it three times the bell falls to they floor the bout is over!

This has been a session to remember it has surely been a Massacre in Montgomery.

I truly respect all the people mentioned in this editorial I hope you see the humor. Those who where not named it is only because of time or I couldn’t think of a good nickname.

I have had the time of my life, thank you from me and Susan we really love you all…well…there are some exceptions.

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Written By

Bill Britt is editor-in-chief at the Alabama Political Reporter and host of The Voice of Alabama Politics. You can email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter.


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