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Lucky 13, Welcome to Gump Vegas!

By Bill Britt
Alabama Political Reporter

MONTGOMERY—The 2013 legislative session is almost in the books, folks. And what a session it has been: graftmasters, policy pimps, shylocks and flat-noted songbirds.

At the head of the table, again, this session was Speaker Mike Hubbard. “Diamond Mike” Hubbard the Hillbilly Mafia Don from the Georgia countryside –  took over the rackets in Gump Vegas three years ago. Faster than a doped-pony, he proved that he knows how to swindle, bully and lie his way to the top of Goat Hill.

Diamond Mike and his number two, Adelbert “Switch-a-roo” Marsh, have proven that the Democrats are rank amateurs when it comes to running a statewide syndicate.

Perfecting pay-to-play, money laundering and crony-corporate give-aways, these two wiseguys have emptied the state coffers, soaked donors and amassed a fortune for their next big play.

The press has been pretty much silent on Diamond Mike and his boys and really why risk it when, the twin-songbirds (actually we hear are one and the same) Susan Marshall and The Yellow Hubbard are waiting to knee cap you? Don’t worry boys and girls the people of Alabama will figure out the fix is in. Yeah, Mikey has a sweet deal going with Auburn sports and his other consulting gigs. Nothing for the press to report here, it’s all cool in Gump Vegas. So, chill baby.  Phillip “Philly Cheese” Bryan’s got some scoop or some swag for you.

And hey, you don’t want to make Josh “The Blade” Blaze mad at you. He’ll cut off your advertising or at least try to.

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Do you really want people like Senator Phil “Rainbow” Williams coming for your press credentials? “Rainbow,” as his boys call him, is a self-styled “cruel-dude.” Ya see, this is a man who cleverly beat-up his opponent for taking money from gamblers while filling his own campaign treasury with tens of thousands in casino dough.

Rainbow wants to be Marsh’s enforcer, but not so fast. Long-time capos Marsh and Hubbard think Rainbow is a little small in the cajones.

But what Rainbow lacks in street cred is nothing compared to the boy senator Bryan “Underroos” Taylor. “To infinity and beyond,” right Senator?

Once again, some of the best fighters this session have been the senate women—no not the ones on the republican side because there are none.

Senator Vivian “The Fightin’” Figures, Linda “The Lady” Coleman and Tammy “Iron-Fist” Irons gave as good as they got. It has been a blood battle for these ladies but they have gone toe-to-toe with all comers, even facing down the bad calls made by Lt. Gov. Kay “The Gavel” Ivey. The Gavel has left a lot of low blows uncalled this session and it has caused many verbal brawls to breakout on the Senate floor.

Seasoned lawmaker Jabo “The Zapper” Waggonner kept the Senate from coming unglued, more than once. Cam “Cool Hand” Ward kept the Twitterverse entertained with his wit and wisdom. Cool Hand would report via Twitter the minute love began to  break out in the Senate.

Then there is Bobby “The Zapped” Singleton and Rodger “No Foolin’ “ Smitherman. They kept kept us entertained with garden and lawn advice as they sought to slow down the process.

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What can you said about Gerald “The Real Deal” Dial? He just keeps rockin’ and rollin’ and gettin’ it done, even when Philly  Cheese got in his face. Dial just showed the punk the door. That boy don’t want to play in that Dogg’s house.

So much could be said of the lady’s man Tom “Sticky Buns” Whatley, but hey, this ain’t no gossip sheet.

As for the House, not many winners there. Mac “Big Mac” McClutchcen did what he could do. So did “Big Doc” McClendon. But the match was already rigged by Diamond Mike and Bonny Billy Canary. Everyone had to take a drive.

That’s the way Mikey plays the game. You go down or you’re mine, boy. It is amazing how much honor men will sacrifice for a promise of reelection.

Obey now or pay later, that was the word from Mikey’s boys and that kept the House in line.

Speaking of canaries in the goldmine, not only has Bonny Billy, the “Bronx HIt-Man,” taken over the House, but his wife Leura was seen lobbying behind the velvet-rope to get the AEA boss kicked off the TSA board. If I were him I’d be glad to be off that board because when the RSA gets audited somebody’s going to jail.

Speaking of Henry “The Big Kahuna” Mabry. He’s had a tough session, I mean, slam, bam, slap your mama. The Republicans really punished Mabry and the teachers of the state. Last year the Big Kahuna beat the Repubs like rented mules. This year they went for payback and got some.

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Mabry doesn’t seem worried, he thinks 2014 will be prove a comeback at the polls.

These guys wasted a lot of tax-payer dough on punishment but hey, when you the boss who’s gonna stop you?

Talk about wasting tax-payer’s money, “Vegas” Dave the “Masher,” is still gettin his 8 grand from Diamond Mike. Old Mikey put the word out that the lady in questions was trying to blackmail Dave so, no harm, no foul. It was her fault.

The Governor “Doctor, Dr.” Bentley had a good year, with his corner man, Blaine “Big Stick” Galliher at the State house.  Big Stick talks softly but he knows how to weld the club when he needs too.

Diamond Mike is still drooling to be governor but he has a better chance of getting a date for the prom at the big house.

With so many stars playing this year and so little talent, it would be a joke to select an MVP.

I haven’t seen much to joke about since Feb 28, when the Republicans proved that they were no better than the people they replaced.

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Perhaps soon we can bid Auf Wiedersehen to Diamond Mike, Switcharoo Marsh, and the gang.

Well, sports fans, I need to go pay my rent, the teachers and the indians are calling.

“Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty and meet me tonight in Atlantic City”

All the best, “Ace.”

Written By

Bill Britt is editor-in-chief at the Alabama Political Reporter and host of The Voice of Alabama Politics. You can email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter.


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