By Joey Kennedy
Alabama Political Reporter
Well, I confess. I don’t know what to write about this week.
I could write about Gov. Robert Bentley’s divorce settlement. Everybody knows about that already, and what can I say? A 50-year marriage on the rocks for . . . what? Well, we really still don’t know, and I’m not going to speculate. It’s his loss, not mine.
How about Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard’s strange defense strategy for the 23 counts of corruption he’s charged with? Throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks? That’s what it looks like. “My ethics bill I championed and love is unconstitutional. Pardon me. I’m an idiot for championing an ethics law I said I believed in.”
Then, says Hubbard, “I’m being selectively prosecuted (by those of my own party). I didn’t do anything really bad – hey, free market rules, and I’m the free market. Bring your business to me, and you’ll get that little something extra. I’m the Speaker. I Speak.”
How about this terrible last-second, second special session to fix the state General Fund Budget (SGF)? “We got it done, dudes. OK, there is next year, but that’s, like, a whole year away. Let’s go on a junket.”
Let’s go national.
What about Donald Trump leading the Republican presidential race? We all know, don’t we, that in a few weeks or months, he’ll just be, well, “ump.” No Trump. Just “ump.” There won’t be much left. How can somebody alienate so many people – Latinos, women, even God and white men – and stay viable? He can’t. As another from his party once said: “Not goin’ to do it.”
Bernie Sanders is doing well in the Democratic polls right now, but eventually, “socialist” will bring him down. People have no idea what “socialist” really means; if they did, they’d probably love it. But they know “socialist” is “bad.” Right? Bad. Bad Bernie. You damn socialist. Yeah, we like your ideas, but you’re a socialist. Bad. Bad Bernie. You damn socialist. Probably a fascist, too. And a commie. And you believe Obama is actually an American.
I could write about U.S. House Speaker John Boehner stepping aside. And the frantic fight among House Republicans to replace him. But I might start crying.
Or about shutting down the government. C’mon, people. Nothing. NOTHING, will shut down the government. It’s the government. It don’t shut down.
I saw a post on Facebook this week of a bumper sticker that said: Hillary Clinton/Michelle Obama 2016. I kind of like that. I could write about that. But then I saw a tabloid newspaper that said Hillary has brain cancer. Bad news for her, I guess, except I saw it in a tabloid newspaper. So, good news for her.
I could write about how closing all those driver licenses offices in Alabama will make it more difficult for African-Americans to vote, except, when hasn’t Alabama tried to make it more difficult for African-Americans to vote? Old news isn’t new news, and this is old news.
I could write about gun restrictions, considering some nut shot a bunch of kids at a community college in Oregon last week. This worries me. I teach at a college, and I give some kids bad grades. I give some bad kids some bad grades. If I get shot, is that dying in the line of duty? I don’t want to get shot. If you’re going to shoot me, tell me. You’ll get an A.
What about Milton McGregor’s VictoryLand, getting its game back on? I could write about that. I could write about how gambling is evil and hurts our poor people the most. Except, gambling is going to happen. It’s with us (and every state around us). We’re not doing much constructive in Alabama by destroying gambling in Alabama. Let’s embrace it, and make our share. OK, hate me.
I could write, and probably should write, about how the leadership void in Alabama is hurting all of us – rich, middle class, and poor. How our leaders let us down, and we reward them by re-electing them. How we vote against our interests, in election after election. How we make sure our ballots are so closed, so that innovation has no place. Republicans and Democrats are allowed; nobody else. How we reject new ideas. How doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is our special skill. But not insanity, no; instead, new, and unfulfilled, expectations. Maybe this time it’ll work. Like it did not last time?
I could write about how “We Dare Defend our Rights” really means “We Dare Defend our Wrongs.” That’s what we do. And many of us don’t care. We do it over and over again. We lose, over and over again.
I could write about all of these things. Hundreds of columns and thousands of words and a gazillion nasty digs, because nasty digs are easy.
This is, after all, Alabama.
But I’m tired. I’ve written about these topics for most of my career. My head bleeds from banging it against Alabama’s borders. I have a headache. And I’m bleeding. And my crappy insurance won’t cover the injury.
What should I write about? Maybe this?
Joey Kennedy, a Pulitzer Prize winner, writes this column every Wednesday for Alabama Political Reporter.
Email: [email protected].
