Wake up and rejoice, Alabama, because today is the day it ends.
Starting Wednesday, the stupid campaign ads are gone. No more clips of some smiling goober standing in the vicinity of a smiling orange goober. No more ads about fighting woke agendas or protecting women’s sports during ball games.
No more goofy ads with Jay Mitchell trying to convince you that he’s tough. No more ads with Katherine Robertson pretending she knows what the inside of a courtroom looks like.
No more ads with bangs-less Barry Moore selling himself as something just this side of Patton. No more ads of Jared Hudson, romance novel cover model, telling you that the real problem we have to solve is all the problems and that’s just what he’s gonna do in Washington—solve all the problems.
No more ads with John Wahl and his fiance smiling awkwardly at one another for no reason at all. No more ads of Wes Allen trying to pretend that making it harder for handicapped people to vote was a big blow to lib’ruls.
It all ends today.
Even those cheesy ads paid for by political action committees or faceless groups are ending. The ones with ominous music, shadowy figures and scary fonts. The ones with a talking raccoon and the ones with gigantic letters. All gone.
Free at last, free at last.
But as this season of campaigning ends and we all rejoice, let’s all remember the good that comes from it. The reminder that no matter the problems that progressives and Democrats might have, no matter the issues that afflict those of us with a conscience and empathy, we are at least not dumb enough to be positively swayed by any of these Republican ads. How anyone possibly could be is an absolute mystery to me.
Honestly, a guy running to be your next attorney general had an ad in which he promised, proudly, to blast a human into outer space as a means of punishment. His opponent, in the meantime, is busy fighting something called the “sick trans agenda,” which I’m pretty sure is just a word jumble that tested as scary among a focus group.
Attorney general. They’re running to be attorney general.
Do y’all remember when our attorney general used to do things like, oh, I don’t know, prosecute crooked politicians? Chase down consumer fraud? Fight against illegal child labor?
Over in the U.S. Senate race, there’s a fight over who served when and where and to what degree, and also a reference to one guy killing 23 other humans, which, I guess, happens in war. But I’m yet to fully understand what any of it means and why we should use any of it to determine who would best represent Alabama in the Senate.
For God’s sakes, we’ve got a healthcare system teetering on the brink and an education system that could use a boost and a prison system that’s literally one of the worst in the industrialized world. Somehow, I don’t think whether a guy served in an active war zone or was the Taliban’s worst nightmare is going to matter all that much in solving those issues for us.
Really, though, if there is one theme that’s constant in all of the Republican ads this primary it is that they all defy logic.
In poll after poll, Republican voters listed off their top issues. Energy prices, food prices, the overall cost of living, access to health care, inflation and the economy consistently topped the lists over the last year. And each and every time, things like liberal ideas, trans athletes, pro-life measures and election security ranked near the bottom—pulling in barely measurable responses in some polls.
Yet, those issues dominated Republican ads.
Every single candidate in a runoff election has mentioned something about “woke” or promised to secure our elections or wants to protect women’s sports (except by prosecuting the predators who often prey on young athletes).
You know why that is?
Because they have no ideas for how to solve the real problems—the things that keep you up at night. They have no idea how to lower your bills. They have no idea how to bring down energy costs or make your schools better or fix our crumbling health care system.
The only one of those they’ve even tried to fix is education, and their grand plan was to give rich people your tax dollars so they can go to private schools.
On the other side of the aisle, things are a bit different. Watch their ads. Listen to them talk. Pay attention to what they’re focused on.
It’s cutting the taxes for working people. It’s cutting red tape for small businesses. It’s finding a way to save hospitals and providing access to care. It’s giving the people out here working for a living an actual break for a change.
That contrast between the two sides will become more stark and noticeable as we move from primary season to general election season.
But as we make that transition and the stupid ads come to a merciful end, remember what those ads taught us about the people asking for your vote.
