In the U.S., nearly 40 percent of people getting divorced are age 50 or older. Among Americans age 65 and older the “silver split” has nearly tripled since 1990. Research has found that baby boomers born between 1946 and 1964 — are divorcing more than any other generation.
So, what’s causing this dramatic shift? It must be sex, right? Maybe. In 1998, the Food & Drug Administration, FDA, approved the use of the drug Viagra to treat Erectile Dysfunction. That’s about the time gray divorce started to rise. It’s probably not a coincidence, but correlation does not imply causation. Still, those over 55 making the two headed sheet monster are busy. According to recent CDC data, cases of gonorrhea have increased seven-fold since 2010. Cases of chlamydia have quadrupled. It appears the grays are enjoying the slap and tickle, sponsored by Viagra. They aren’t alone. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, sexually transmitted infections among older adults continue to rise rapidly. Yes, the grays are getting friskier. And since there is no longer fear of pregnancy in this age group, condom use is almost non-existent. While sex is a factor in the silver split, there are other drivers. People are living longer. And, for many women in their fifties, the empty nest presents a unique opportunity.
During the working years, couples are busy building careers, raising children, taking care of parents and managing finances. Often couples don’t even notice they are growing apart. Fast forward a few years and couples can suddenly realize they no longer know each other. And divorce no longer carries the same stigma it did when boomers were growing up. Some therapists suggest that couples no longer “grow apart.” It’s more overt. One partner may simply see their life in “chapters.” There was the newlywed chapter, career building chapter, followed by the breeding and parenting chapter. As the nest grows empty a new chapter begins. Some partners see an opportunity to reinvent themselves. And everyone has a friend who has never been happier than after their divorce was finalized.
According to the Social Security Administration, people are living longer. About one out of every three 65-year-olds today will live past age 90, and about one out of seven will live past age 95. An unhappy marriage can last another 20 or 30 years—and that can seem like a lifetime of unhappiness. According to AARP and recent family research, women initiate between 66 percent-80 percent of divorces over age 50. Women are more educated and more financially independent than ever. And women tend to live longer than men. A woman in her mid-fifties is likely to live another 30 years or more. Once they are free from the grind of raising children, they are free to be a little, well, selfish. Especially if the couple had been staying together “for the children.”
Many older individuals are in their second marriage. And data shows that remarriages have a much higher divorce rate. Research has found the divorce rate among remarried adults over 50 is substantially higher than those in first marriages. People who have been divorced are not as afraid of splitting up as those in first marriages.
While it might seem that people aren’t as committed to marriage today, perhaps it’s something different. Perhaps the bar is higher today. Perhaps we’ve moved away from the Ward and June Cleaver era where the value of a marriage was commensurate with a man’s ability to provide or a woman’s ability to be a homemaker. Perhaps we are playing a new game. A game where partners are held to a higher standard. A standard that includes happiness and personal fulfillment. A team-based approach to life.
Perhaps the answer lies in the most unexpected place. Divorce is becoming less common among younger adults and Millennials, in part because they are marrying later and often waiting longer to have children. Perhaps that maturity level is making a difference. When younger couples do choose to divorce there is often a crisis. Think: sex, money or drugs and alcohol. But the often maligned Millennial generation seems to have figured out something. At least until they get a scrip for Viagra.
My writing is intended to be a conversation between friends. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we don’t, but the friendship remains cause we’re both grown-ups. Email me at [email protected].
